College football’s geography and multi-channel madness leave Mr. Monday befuddled

College football’s geography and multi-channel madness leave Mr. Monday befuddled

Please give your thoughts and prayers to the geography teachers of America, who will spend Monday through Friday drilling kids on our country’s borders, while on Saturday, they learn that the University of California is in the Atlantic Coast Conference.

Mr. Monday

By Mr. Monday

| Sep 11, 2023, 5:00am CDT

Mr. Monday

By Mr. Monday

Sep 11, 2023, 5:00am CDT

Mr. Monday hopes we can all agree that college football has been twisted inside-out and upside down because of the mighty muscles of television. 

(Mr. Monday saw a devious theory this week that the creation of the Longhorn Network was the first domino to fall in conference chaos. Bully to that. Any societal ill that can be laid at the feet of the Longhorns is fine by Mr. Monday.)

But back to the real villains of our tale, television fat cats throwing deals around and the conferences who love those sugar daddies. The result of their summer of discontent is a discombobulated boob tube schedule and a cartographic free-for-all.

(Please give your thoughts and prayers to the geography teachers of America, who will spend Monday through Friday drilling kids on our country’s borders, while on Saturday, they learn that the University of California is in the Atlantic Coast Conference.)

Over the next few years, sitting down to catch a college game will continue to confuse. There will be more teams in more unfamiliar leagues, paired with channels that require a subscription, a physics degree and a high-speed internet connection to discover. 

In addition to your usual over-the-air suspects, games will be on Apple Plus, Amazon Prime, ESPN Plus, Fox Sports One and the CW.

The CW? That’s right, shoved between melodramatic vampires, mid-budget DC superheroes and forlorn teens will be random games between SMU of Dallas and Stanford of Silicon Valley. 

Playing, naturally, for the ACC. 

Stray punchlines

  • Congrats to Texas fans who are proudly celebrating the 18th anniversary of saying “Texas is back” during the third week of the season. Now it’s a race to see if they can keep saying it all the way to Halloween. Costume suggestion for Oklahoma kids: An angry member of the Manning family.
  • A footnote to Mr. Monday’s top item: Mr. Monday thinks we all can admit that the real MVP of Saturday night’s OU game on ESPN Plus was the inexhaustible dancing underwear model in the Hanes commercial.
  • A second footnote to Mr. Monday’s top item: 9:30 p.m. kickoffs for Oklahoma State? Mr. Monday will need a nerve-shattering caffeine habit to get through these continent-spanning conference games. Good luck to the Big Ten crowd, who may need a case of Red Bulls to stay up late to watch Lincoln Riley run up the score on Rutgers. (That guy’s all class.)
  • The highlight of Mr. Monday’s summer has been getting to know his new Sellout teammates. And watching Guerin Emig lead the conversation on Saturday night in Norman gave Mr. Monday a ringside seat at a master class. Emig was the pickup of the sports year. Eat your heart out, Sam Presti.
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Mr. Monday is both anonymous and fictional, so try not to get too worked up. Mr. Monday lives in a gated community but refuses to admit it is in Edmond. He enjoys walks to Braum’s with Mrs. Monday, being snobbish towards Tulsa and spending time with his three impressive children and two rather dumb dogs. Mr. Monday is on Twitter at @MrMondayOKC. DM’s are open.

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